Emotional Rollercoasters

Wow. I'm just a mess of emotions right now. I'll explain continuously. I have a little weekend update. I had an amazing experience at the Journalism convention. I was in a session with the social media representative from Miss Representation and it was cool to see a guy feminist! I'm not a die hard feminist but I do believe that women shouldn't be treated like second class citizens. Women are capable of doing anything a man can do. (Read below if feminism angers you. I can't see why) Everyone should seriously watch that documentary! I thought I wrote a post about it but apparently not. I just think that more women should be represented in Congress and as CEOs. More women have college degrees and it's proven that women do better in school. YET we can see that women can't get a foothold in computer programming, engineering, or positions of power. It angers me that women who are determined and strong come off as manipulative and "bitchy", for lack of better word. When men do the same thing, they are seen as good leaders. I hate that men think women are just so vulnerable and frail.

Women also care for children and at some point in life, most women lose motivation to strive for higher ranks because they want to be at home with their kids. There's nothing wrong with that but it is preventing women from reaching parity. Women are also less confident in their abilities so they apply for more safety positions. I don't know if there's a way around that.

There's 1 girl in AP Computer Science at my school. There's four boys in my journalism class. There are four girls in AP Physics. Although I don't like physics or math, I do think that these classes should be encouraged for girls starting at an early age. Boys should learn how to be more sensitive growing up. Being a man basically means being violent, strong, and competitive. Somehow objectifying women also got tangled into that equation. I watched Kick-Ass this weekend (by myself) and it was an awesome film. I hate violence and cursing so that part was a bit hard to get through. There's very limited sexuality which is rare in movies this century. (It is rated R warning) One of my most favorite things is the message tucked in. This movie brings awareness to serious problems, like staying a bystander when trouble is happening. Being a superhero doesn't mean having some special power but rather taking action for what you believe in. The costumes are just an added bonus. My other favorite part about that movie is the kick-ass girl character, Hit Girl, played by Chloe Grace Moretz. She plays an eleven-thirteen (not sure) year old girl who is a seriously good fighter. She did most of her own stunts and trained with Jackie Chan! Search her up if you don't know her! Hit Girl is bossy, curses, and is always in control. I don't know that many movies with such a strong female lead. Kick Ass 2 is coming out this summer!! So excited!

2013 Journalism Convention ❤

Hello everyone! Instead of going to school today I went to the 2013 National High School Journalism convention. DAY ONE. Ohmy. I love the city and the undeniably urban atmosphere that San Francisco has. It was really interesting learning about journalism and what professional journalists are doing. Out of all 6 sessions today, the one take home message was that writing is about the people. That's all that journalism is: delivering the news and making it relevant. I didn't take many pictures because I dislike photos... both being in them and taking them. I'm returning tomorrow for DAY TWO so maybe I'll remember to take more photos.
Conventions are really fun and I've met some awesome people that I wouldn't have been able to meet otherwise. :D SO EXCITED FOR DAY TWO.

A Dark Place

Hello! I'm sorry I've been absent for such a long period of time. My life has been like jumping over hurdles, constantly. There hasn't been all that much time to just sit and write. Mostly because I've been feeling terrible about the things I write. I decided at last minute to submit something for this writing contest my local library was holding. I had the inspiration but lacked the will power to write something new and original. So I took one of my old stories and decided to revise it. I chose Girl in the Photograph just because Lillian is one of my most favorite characters ever. She is a darker version of me but someone I respect a lot. It takes effort and guts to simply be. She doesn't care about what other people think or what other people do. She exists because she wants to. I want to exist for some purpose that I feel so strongly about. While revising it, I started to hate the story altogether. I never do well with criticism even though it's a necessary part to growth. After editing I just felt awful about it and about all my life's ambitions. I've always wanted to be some sort of writer but this was the first instance of being shaken, a mid life crisis if you will. I made a sort of identity for myself but it sucks realizing that you aren't much good at the thing you're supposed to be best at. I know that I'm good at making people happy. I sacrifice my own happiness to make other people smile. That's just who I am. But what kind of major is that? What kind of job does that lead to? Nothing. I've just been in a dark place and it doesn't help that all these other stressful factors kick in during the month of April/May.

I've been talking to S a lot more. He's just my go to friend for everything. We are siblings even if some of my friends think he's in love with me. I highly, highly doubt that. He's made me cry a couple times just because he brings out my insecurities when my guard isn't raised. I just realized how unhappy I am with my weight once again and how I'm really not that great at anything. It's hard facing the truth just so head on.

He doesn't understand what it's like to feel pretty. It's not good that my self esteem comes from seeing a number on a scale but how can I help it? It's from years and years and years of judgement from other people. I really do wish I was fantastic at one certain thing. I'm okay at a lot of things but there's always someone who's that much better at that thing.

Well anyways. I've started a summer diet but it's not going so well. I made a list of foods I can't eat but my will has been severely compromised by stress. I've had some terrible stress attacks lately. There are moments when I can't breathe.

I think I'm going to go to sleep now. I just wanted to check in after a long absence. I hope you guys are in a better place.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

Hello everyone! I just have a short and funny story to share. I went to Jamba Juice today to work on yet another biology experiment. That whole lab is very frustrating. Anyways, I ordered a breakfast wrap. As I was about to eat it, I dropped it. I'm so klutzy and clumsy. BUT the nice people of Jamba Juice made me a new one and that made me soooo incredibly happy. They didn't have to do that but they did. Random acts of kindness have such power. 

Good things come to those who wait. Yup! That's right, I finally have a new Coffee Shop chapter available and up to read. Sadly this is one of the last episodes. I know I've said that many times but this time it's true. I think I have one last chapter and an epilogue left. I've run out of creative juice and I have no motivation to add a new nemesis. There have already been so many extensions and new characters. I've fallen in love with every single character as I've watched them grow and become different people. The story is different from what I planned it to be but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. Once you set foundation for a story there's no saying where it will go. I started this story in the summer time of 2012 and now it's April of 2013. This has been a huge writing project and one of the most ambitious that I've ever undertaken. It's almost 200 pages now. That's MASSIVE. I guess I can save all the thank you's for the epilogue but I really do appreciate those of you who've read what I've written.

I'm definitely going to miss Coffee Shop but I'm sure I'll find a new project soon enough. I'm happy with where Claire is. In the meanwhile, I'll try to wrap up Scarf Boy and find a new calling and inspiration. 

You guys are the best! Thank you. 

Baking Is Hard Work

Hellooooooo! Happy weekend! I did bake yesterday and they were wonderful cupcakes! I'm so exhausted from baking though. My friend and I might bake together sometime though.

I had very ambitious goals for these cupcakes. I wanted them to look like professional cupcakes with frosting piped on and everything. The piping bag is the bane of my existence. I gave up and just used a good old fashioned spoon. Haha, I think they turned out nicely!

S and I switched carrying them since neither of us had a place to put this huge tray. Cupcakes are a great way to express any sort of emotion. They're easy to make too! I highly recommend baking to everyone!

Campaign Manager

Hello, I've been a bit busy and sleepy. I know there has been a serious lack of blog posts. I apologize for that because I know it's no fun reading a blog that never updates. A couple new things have happened in my life since we last talked.

Firstly, I have realized how much fun a campaign manager can be. It's the perfect non-commitment job for me. Non-commitment means that I don't want to become a campaign manager as a profession but it's a fun hobby for me. I love making posters and advocating to people I know and don't know. I enjoy bothering people and seeing each person vote makes me so happy. One vote never seems like that much until you try being a campaign manager. Every vote counts, as cliche as that statement is. If only my friend's sister had told me earlier.... ah well it's nice discovering a new passion in life!

Secondly, I really don't like TG romantically at all anymore. We're 100% friends and that's totally fine with me. It's funny how little I try to see him. Of course I'm still friends with him but when I did like him I would actively wait for him and try so hard to talk. It sucks that we don't talk as much because I don't try as hard. S really confuses me. We're friends yes but there are so many mixed signals everywhere. He's a sophomore so I really wanted him to vote for my friend's sister. We got into this huge argument because he didn't want to vote. Why would you crush other people's dreams like that? Yeah, it doesn't affect you but it means so much to someone else. It takes 2 seconds to vote... Anyways, somehow I agreed to bake him 20 cupcakes... hahah. You'll see lots of my cupcakes tomorrow! Byes!

Term Paper Anxieties

This is going to be a short post made up of thoughts lodged in the back of my head. Firstly, I've been working on my 10+ page paper about Murakami. I talked to my dad, unwillingly, about the paper and I feel much more collected. I have fallen in love with the works of Murakami all over again. I highly recommend them to anyone looking for something to read. There are so many layers and symbols that make you think twice, read twice. He's definitely one of my favorite authors.

Here's what I'd rather be doing... hahaha. I love Korean dramas. I have watched all of these ones and many, many more. Dramas allow you to experience a level of love unrealistic and impossible in real life. Yes, they also skew your sense of reality and expectation but they're so fun to watch and live through. Most Korean dramas have a non specific, mediocre heroine that any girl can place herself in. Plus, dramas always have awesome OST music! Be prepared to have the living sap sucked out of you. Dramas take time and energy and the will to live after you finish one. If you're looking for ones to watch, choose any from this collage. They were all super! I didn't include some like Coffee Prince and Mischievous Kiss mainly because they're well known or annoying (eh hemm, Mischievous Kiss).

One more note before I say adieu. Don't give mixed messages. That's just cruel and evil. I know sometimes you don't intend to give mixed signals. Make sure you know what you want clearly. Don't waver between what you think you want because that really messes everyone else up. If you say you want to be friends, act like it. Okay, just a friendly reminder. Good bye!

Rainy Days

http://zupernovah.tumblr.com

Hello! Just when I think it's nice and warm, it's raining again. Maybe some of you are tired of hearing me rant about the weather but I'm tired of having to rant at all. The weather needs to make up its mind already. Today, in the afternoon, half the sky was blue and radiant while the other half was gloomy and overcast.

You know... I don't mind being home alone so much. I rather like the airy silence that hangs in the air. I don't know if I'm an introvert or an extrovert. I like hanging out with people and meeting new people but at the same time, I do like having some alone time. I wrote a brief description of the morning.

The window pane is slid open. I chastise myself and listen to the rhythms of the rain pounding down. The air smells fresh and I take a deep breath. Half awake, I make my way down the stairs. I let out a taut yawn and feel my feet pressing against the beige carpet. The empty tea kettle is still sitting on the stove top. Dirty tea cups are set all over the counter. The scent of tea is still integrated. I see a couple empty plates in the sink. Crumbs are littered over the white backgrounds of the plates. The window hangs open.

Rain is not romantic, maybe that's just me. I don't like the rain at all; except the few times where I want to wear rain boots. I was talking to S and he made this really cute comment about how walking in rain was romantic: "Lol I never said I like being wet. That's what the umbrella's for. I love umbrellas! Plus that means she'll have to walk close to me if she doesn't wanna get wet." It made me laugh because as much as he proclaims to hate high school relationships, he's a bit of a romantic himself. He's my neighbor too, as I think I've mentioned before. We played ping pong yesterday and today!! It's great being able to spontaneously hang out. But anyways, you always see that scene in movies where the main protagonists kiss in the rain and everybody swoons, except me. Wouldn't you rather kiss in good weather and feel extremely happy? In the rain, I would feel like I sort of hate my life because I'd be wet. Wet and happy isn't as good as sunny and happy. Not everyone is prepared with an umbrella either. Who knows... maybe one day I'll appreciate the rain.

I do like reading and writing in the rain. Hearing the rain pound down is a great backdrop for writing serious stuffs. On that note, no a scarf boy is not ready yet. Spring break has been really ... busy? I'm too busy working on my diabolical term paper.

I've been really obsessed with snapchat and spotify lol! If you don't have these yet, then get on it!! They're such cool apps!

Fun Times in San Francisco

If you read yesterday's post, you'll know that I was in San Francisco today!!! The city is absolutely gorgeous and the weather was surprisingly nice. I wore two jackets and a scarf. All that wasn't necessary. I always choose to believe the weather forecasts on the wrong day. When can I start wearing skirts and dresses? Ah well it's already April and doesn't April mean spring??

I have some things to say about our lab experiment. At first we were planning on approaching random people and pretending to know them. The lab was supposed to test how willing people were to save you from embarrassment. What we soon realized was that these people had nothing to gain or lose from saying the truth. It was a soul crushing lab, even for the few hours we tried. I have never had people tell me they were too busy to even hear what I was saying. I had one girl say that she maybe knew me though! One o'clock PM was a dark time period. Five of us were sitting in a table meant for four people amongst the crowded food court scene. The two guys helping us were eating lunch somewhere outside.

Life Goes On

Hello everyone. I've been having a difficult week. Hasn't everyone had this week where they want nothing to do with anyone or anything? All I've wanted to do is stare at a wall and cry. The most comforting surprises comes from the most unexpected sources. The world is a funny place. I never thought I'd be such good friends with S (go back a couple posts.... too lazy to explain). Things are changing so rapidly.

My life is not over and as I've learned life does go on. I was in no mood to write anything for the past week so I'm incredibly sorry if you were expecting something of me. It's spring break now which means more studying! Yay standardized testing.

The one thing I'm excited about during break is this biology behavior lab that will take place tomorrow. I'll share more deets tomorrow when everything is done. I don't to spill any info before it actually takes place. I'm just excited to see the city and have a blast with my biology group and TG.

I don't know how I feel about TG but I'm happy to be his friend. At prom, I sort of realized that I didn't want a relationship with him. Sorting out all these loose strings is good because it's terrible to emotionally unbalanced.

Last of all, happy April Fools Day!!! Google has a bunch of pretty cool pranks this year ranging from Google Smell, to Treasure Maps, to Gmail Blue. Check them out if you haven't already!!