Monday, November 17, 2014

Moody Musings

Hi everyone! It's been a series of a few cold days and I'm not really sure what to blog about at the time being. I'm trying to craft a new fiction piece in order to get into intermediate fiction writing (yes that's a class here) and it's been a struggle trying to overcome writer's block. I haven't really updated you guys on the inner-workings of my brain so why not another musings post? Please post any suggestions of what you'd like to see on this blog in the comments! Feedback is so essential! 

-Windchill and winter is so real here...
-I have 8 more classes until the end of semester.
-When is thanksgiving break getting here?
-I should really purchase an umbrella
-Weird people show up at fast food places at 2am.. 
-I really need a hair cut
-why in the world does nail polish just peel off? 
-how to stop spending money?
-I really want like 3 different pairs of new shoes.. the struggle. 
-how to be romantic and not cliche?
-how to meet that witty, intellectual guy while attending a women's college with the laziness of a sloth.. 
-why does dinner always seem mediocre? What is my favorite meal of the day..
-I love yogurt and jam on bread. 
-FRUIT. I miss fresh produce :'( I want to go home now. 
-any movie suggestions?
-Mrrrrrrr

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Hello. Goodbye. Thank you.

These past two weeks have been an emotional slump. November is just simply a hard month and I want to drop everything and live a carefree existence for a couple weeks. I can't wait for Thanksgiving Break (I'm going to Boston!) and winter break (first time going home). I want to go to a fancy holiday party or dress up and wander an art museum. It just seems that there's so much and so little to look forward to at the same time. Anyways, Friday was a really good day and I read poetry for the first time, learned once again how Smith parties are not fun sober, and am slowly getting used to the biting cold. Snow has not fallen on Northampton yet!

I just wanted to share the poem I wrote for the Open Mic! I'm the secretary of Smith's lit mag called Labrys! woo! 

Hello. Goodbye. Thank you

Hello.
He said to a girl who had forgotten the pain of frowning, of the dark, of being alone. 
A girl who finally found a place better than reality, somewhere in her head. 
You are perfect, he said. 
Perfect in the way you complete me. 
The way you smile, the way your feet are perpetually cold, the way you cry when you watch adventure time
It’s cute how you don’t understand physics and the way you love literature, plants, and kate spade
Hello he said to the same girl three months later, who slowly lost herself in return for the empty promise of love. 
You are perfect, like a charity case. 
I love you, he said ten times a day, as if simple act of speech made everything all right. 
She began to remember the pain of frowning, of the dark, of being alone. 
The terror of waking up each morning in actual reality with only four minutes of solace before having to pretend to be extraordinarily happy. 
And on some particularly bad days, four minutes is not nearly enough to mask away the pain. Everything cracks and the emotional mess begins. 
You were my escape from reality she said. Until you became worse than my fear of frowning, of the dark, of being alone.

Goodbye. 
She said to him, who gave nothing in return for everything. 
Goodbye, he said to her, the girl who was now a shadow of her former self. 
She cried enough tears to fill the ocean and tried so hard to understand a world of complete darkness.
Slowly she learned, 
He is not the solution to overcoming reality, the reality outside her head. 
Goodbye to that girl who thought he was necessary to stay afloat.
Goodbye to the girl he had once loved 
Goodbye to the feeling of disappointment that there were still signs of life every morning, that her lungs still ached for air, and her heart still pumped blood.
Life is a gift, a gift given only once. A gift meant keeping.
Goodbye to people who can’t see the complexity between her smiling eyes. 
Goodbye to people who can’t see that she is more than someone willing to swallow all the negativity in the world. 
She said to herself, you are perfect in all your imperfections. 
You are perfect because you don’t smile every moment, you are perfect because you are frivilous, intellectual, beautiful. 

Thank you.
She said to him almost a year later.
She had overcome her hatred of reality, the pain of frowning, of the dark, of being alone. 
All by herself she had grown. 
Barely a reflection of the girl he once loved. Familiar but completely changed. 
No longer soft spoken, no longer so afraid, no longer that charity case he had so willingly thrown away.
He said hello a second time as if the past is something that simple. 
She doesn’t care because she no longer desperately seeks to leave reality. 
Had she stayed, she would’ve been the exact person she promised never to be 
Someone so ready to give up dreams, hopes, ambitions for someone who doesn’t even care. 
Thank you because now she is
Fearless to be whoever the hell she wants to be. 
To disturb the universe 
or whatever else she seeks. 

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Two Months In: Budgeting, Romance, and Squirrels

Squirrels are so cute. Am I right?
Hello! I hope y'all are having a good day! I've been having a crazy hectic week (and next week is not much better) so please understand why this post is so late! It's another round of midterms and I've been occupied with a 10 page paper on philosophers. I'm not having a blast.

College has been a really great learning experience so far! I'm sort of getting the hang of becoming an individual. I have once again reached a point where I'm sleeping at like 2 in the morning... it's definitely a rough patch. College is not always like this! I have a few tips from the regrets of my college life (but never Smith. I am in love with Smith).

Budgeting
Let me just tell you how much I hate budgeting. It is literally the worst thing ever. I work tutoring kids and I make a decent  amount but no one would ever know because I spend that money so fast. October was just a terrible month where I spent more than humanly possible (okay not that much but I cried inside when I saw the little number on my mobile banking app). I went to 3 concerts, spent Fall Break in Boston, went on a shopping trip to Boston where I bought winter clothes/boots and some really nice sweaters. November will hopefully be a better month....Here are some tips to avoid bankruptcy, tips that I'm really bad at following.
1. Get a mobile banking/accounting app
This thing will literally save your butt and make you aware and sad at the same time.
2. Ask yourself if you absolutely NEED it
The answer is almost always yes, but you know it doesn't hurt to ask yourself and really think hard about it.
3. Do not repress yourself too hard core
I've learned that if I don't buy anything, I get really upset and start going on a buying rampage... don't let yourself get to that point.
4. Set a practical budget
"I will not buy anything "is not a practical budget. I have decided I can buy two big purchases (a nice sweater, some makeup, a pair of kick ass platform boots that I fell in love with, art supplies), eat out twice, and buy 3 small things ($10 or less) in one month. It's much easier for me to see money as tangible objects instead of setting a monetary limit.

Romance
I go to a women's college. This is not to say I don't have any romance in my life. Although I don't go on cute dates in Northampton where everything seriously looks like a scene of some insanely hipster movie (hopefully this will change), it's not THAT hard to meet guys if you really want to. On Halloween weekend, my house had it's only annual house party that is open to everyone on Smith campus and the other four colleges next to Smith. Guys come and I'll just leave my personal life at that. I don't really know how to meet any decent guys though. Guys you meet at parties are well... guys you meet at parties. I'm really not looking to have a one night stand with some frat guy too drunk to function/remember anything. There is this one person in my house who is from England and her boyfriend is from Norway and he FLEW ALL THE WAY TO SMITH just to see her. I want that kind of long term commitment where you really are in love with someone. I've just recently learned that while making out with a random guy is fun in the moment (here is my personal life again haha), it leaves you with such an empty feeling afterwards. I don't expect to repeat the same genuine feelings that I had in my first relationship just because it was both of our first times having a real relationship. This kind of love is more genuine and innocent as you get to know someone while exploring your own boundaries and individual motivations. Guys in college parties don't really care about who you are as a person, not so much as your name, as long as you're entertaining enough. So basically, I'm so single I don't even know how to describe it.

Squirrels
The squirrels make everything better. I cannot get over them. I just want to keep all of them and be their friend and ahhhh. Also random tangent. Today my house had a fire evacuation ( I was not present for this) because some person left a hot pocket in the microwave so long that it caught on fire... don't be that person. 

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

1cm+: College is a Whirlwind

today was a beautiful day to read The Social
Contract
outside
Hello everyone.... It is November and I realized I have not blogged since August. Please take my sincere apologies and this post as an olive branch. Blogging has not really been a priority. . . however, I am back! I feel like my life is at a point where I can start blogging again and I have things to say in a blog.  I played around with the layout and while it's not perfect, it's definitely a start. I'd love any feedback/encouragement. Blogging is a tedious process but too rewarding to quit

I got rid of that whole "menu" idea because it's so impractical for me to be blogging every day. The new goal is to post one insightful post, a shorter check in kind of post (musings) , and a few pictures on the yawn1 instagram.

I don't even know where to begin on college. I'm not going to try to sum up my entire life in the past two months. College is eye opening and radically different from anything high school prepares you for. Here is a checklist of all the things I'm learning/have learned:

-roommate issues do magically go away.
-how do you balance social life and academic life?
-political theory is not the class for me. in fact, only biology is the class for me. plot twist.
-why did Taylor Swift remove all her albums on spotify? CRIES.
-reading in college is hard.
-some professors are so bad at emailing...
-WHAT AM I GOING TO DO THIS SUMMER? internships? summer school? chinese? #overwhelemed
-why are there so many cute shoes online...? I think I'm starting a relationship with Topshop
-what is exercise
-newspaper is not my thing anymore.
-why are my plants dying...
-omg I can fit into my pants again!
-East Coast is SO cold
-are hook ups my thing? (post coming about this soon!)
-why is ice cream so delicious always?
-bangs were such a good decision. I want a haircut.
-This 10 page paper is so intimidating.
-what are my grades? can I make it to Oxford junior year?
-finally watched Step Up All In. It was meh.
-squirrels are so cute. #lifecomplete

Here are the diabolical classes I'm taking this semester:
Reacting to the Past (worst class ever), Gov 100: Intro to Political Theory (mehh), Chinese 1 (mehh), Intro to Cell Biology (woooo).

I am currently in the midst of researching desert plants and invasive species with my biology professor.
I might be running for class of 2018 secretary.
I am involved in like 4 different house committees.
I am the secretary for the lit mag Labrys! WOOOOO. SO EXCITED. I miss web design and being creative :'(

So those are all the thoughts that are currently going through my head. This semester is somehow rapidly spinning to an end and I am so ready for the next one...
xx talk soon