Thursday, January 17, 2013

Nothingness

I feel like I am so many different people. Instead of having feelings and moods, I have people. It sounds strange, even to me. But it describes me most accurately. Sometimes, I am that happy go lucky person I strive to be. This is the person who loves that it's Monday. Other times, I am determined and competitive. I have a super hyper person living deep within my conscience too. She's the type of person who screams for no apparent reason and loves to be loud and happy. But, there's always a balance between happy and sad. For three motivated and happy people, I have one person that handles the burden of all my stresses, fears, and panic attacks. It's scary when this side takes ahold of my mind and body. The first thing I feel is the need to crumple up into a ball. Things don't seem as real when you're crumpled up in some weird yoga pose. Things float by while that terrible feeling in your stomach grows.

I never was the type of person to have one meltdown and one burst of stress. It silently builds up, like weight. I don't stress until it becomes unbearable. I only notice how freaked I am when other people note that I am panicking about not having a paper clip before the English final. My pain always starts in my stomach. It knots up mimicking the fact that I'm probably crumpled up too. 

So why am I stressed? Well, the only thing I'm slightly good at is academics. And it's not because I'm smart. No, it's quite the opposite. It's because I try so hard to be at that level. I was forced into learning algebra in 4th grade. My 4th grade mind didn't understand what x and y were or even what algebra accomplished. All I knew was that somehow I needed to do this and so concepts were skipped and memorization began. I feel like if you take that away, I have nothing. I melt away into a universe where there are far too many people. There are 7 billion people on this universe. Only . . . 20 notable columnists for Time. No one gives prizes for that nice girl no one remembers. I feel like I'm slowly slipping away into that abyss, the people who are skipped. There are just so many people here who have accomplished so much and here I am. . . failing at the one thing I'm supposed to be good at. My biggest fear is not being adequate enough. 

I hate being alone, abandoned, and left behind. I don't want to melt away into nothingness. They say you have another chance after every failure but what if you keep failing at every turn? My english teacher does the lovely thing of grading you based on your own improvement, and not on a objective grading scale. But life isn't like that. Colleges don't pick based on "best improvement" or "nicest person." I want to crumple up.

2 comments:

  1. I don't believe that's three different people. That's three different sides that make up who you are. They complete you. Without either one, you'd be incomplete. Who you are is your favorite book, movie, food, etc. That's what makes you.

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  2. Yeah, that's true as well. I just can't fully comprehend how I can behave like such different people at times. How can a happy-go-lucky person suddenly act like a depressed, pessimistic person? It's sort of scary watching my "mood swings." I think it's because I feel things so intensively as a sensitive person. It's something I need to work on in order to be stable.

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