Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Pettiness

Hello once again! A musing is a little food for thought. It's not supposed to be controversial or "deep" but rather just a little thought I had. Some might be a little "deeper" and others might be trivial but that's how thoughts work. Today's musing was hard for me to come to terms with.

As I mentioned yesterday, here is the longer post detailing about my past. I wish this was a closed chapter in my life but sadly it's not. I was thinking about why I still have the urge to search up his name on my Facebook and stalk pictures. It's these brief relapses of my mind and determination to forget him that hurt the most. These little pauses are definite signs that I am still not done forgetting him. It hurts to have your whole wall and defense mechanism shattered within a simple touch. I felt that I really grew emotionally since freshman year but here I am, acting the same, behaving the same, and thinking the same. I did grow in some sense to shed a layer of that naivety and gullibility. Some people do accidentally play with your feelings. Miscommunication and expectations blur the line of reality. I was just as bad as Captain Ahab when Ahab deliberately interpreted Fedallah's prophecy. I let my emotions run rampant and that becomes a real issue because I feel things so intensely. It's the alternative to being completely realistic and cynical. I hate feeling cynical even more than I hate feeling sad. Feeling sad is understandable and recognizable to the machinery of my brain. But feeling jaded and pessimistic conflicts with everything and it's those moments where I feel topsy turvy and nothing makes sense. I do understand why I'd rather be an oozing mess of feelings rather than be someone that I can't understand. The scariest thing is the unknown.
Maybe 2 months would be appropriate to forget someone you never really had a connection with. Maybe a year if you count in the fact that he was the first person I really did like. But 2 years? More than 2 years? I just don't know why I grieve something I never had. I do regret the way I let our friendship end. Once I became slightly aware of reality, I didn't know what to do; so I did what I do best. I crumpled into a ball and refused to do anything. I stared down at the ground and walked past him pretending I didn't see him. I even changed my route from first to second period to avoid the awkwardness that I had created.

 I realized the root of these problems comes from my own pettiness. Yes, it does hurt to know that I still maybe like him. But the real reason I'm so upset is because he has moved on while I haven't. He never had anything to forget. It hurts to see that he's doing better than I am. He's changed for the better while I am still the same. It hurts to know that he didn't even consider me "a potential" and that I was so low on his standards while he was my standard. At one point I even wanted to change myself to be someone that he would like. I'm not at that level anymore thank God. During the summer between freshman and sophomore year, I lost weight from a summer class and my unusual habits. The first person I wanted to impress was him. In the summer between sophomore and junior year, I wondered while staring down at myself if I could be someone that he liked.

It makes me scared to like anyone seriously. The fear of being an emotional mess is enough to build up that wall of defense. I can't help but wonder if I'll ever meet someone who's right for me. I know it's odd hearing this from a 16 year old girl but so is life. I know there's no "perfect" person for you but how do you know when you fit together, like the right puzzle pieces. I thought we had such a perfect connection but he never saw it and never will. How does that happen?

My friend suggested that I just try to move on. I can't. I don't know how. Whenever I think that have moved on, it comes back like the flu. How does one escape the flu? It's more like a cancer I guess. It goes undetected for the longest period of time and suddenly it damages you detrimentally. I don't know how to escape but I know I want to finally be able to look at his page and smile at the fact that his life is progressing.

PS: I made a twitter.... I don't know why. Follow me at youngjooa2? Not sure what I'm going to do exactly with my twitter. It's pretty useless right now.

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