Scarf Boy Comes Back

Hello everyone! I hope you're having a good day. I'm having a relatively decent day. A lot of seniors are on this annual trip to Olympus Park Institution and so I had a party in math. Or... more like my two friends and I had a party in math! It was one of the greatest math classes in the history of math classes ever. So anyways, I finally finished installment two of Scarf Boy! Yay right? It was exciting for me. I also watched Wreck It Ralph finally and that movie just made me cry and smile and be crazy all at the same time. I highly recommend it to anyone out there. Watching movies usually is comforting! I do have a quick rant today. It'll only take a couple sentences, I promise.
One thing I hate is when people cancel on you. It's a really disappointing feeling to have someone get your hopes up just to tell you that "something else came up." I hate that phrase too. It's not a definite no or yes and I'm just caught on the line wondering. Wondering is worse than a clear cut no. This is probably the one thing that really bugs me about TG. Do I mean so little to him that there's never a warning before cancellations? Does he even consider me in his long list of things he does? Do I even make it onto his list of things? I don't expect that he would ever mention these "lessons" first but. . . can't I expect him to accurately tell me if he's busy or not? Somehow, I don't expect him to follow up anymore. A tentative question mark always follows. I'm not even surprised "something else came up." It seems like it does more often than not. Last week he seemed surprised that I was surprised about the fact that he didn't have anything else. He told me that he doesn't have that bad of a memory but according to statistics, he does. I guess it's another sign just to make sure I know that he doesn't like me.  My friend told me to have 0 expectations but that's difficult; but you know I'm slowly getting there. 

Mm on the brighter side. Yesterday was Chinese New Year and since I'm Korean I celebrate it too. At church, all the little kids were dressed up in the traditional Korean clothing. They bow to the elders of the church and the elders bless the new year with money, like the red envelopes. I am one of the three youths (high school) of the church and last year they made us bow too. I was really hoping that this year would be different. So the whole church stopped moving once the little kids started bowing. I was standing right next to this other guy. Umm he's really attractive :) and four years older than me. . . and goes to UC Berkeley. On my birthday he said he'd buy me lunch and now it's February and I've been insanely busy and he was in Korea for a long time. It was pretty awkward standing next to him because we don't know each other that well. He asked me how I was doing and I asked how he was doing. And then I had this sudden burst of bravery and asked when he was going to buy me lunch. He said any time soooo I think we agreed to this Saturday! Crossing my fingers that this happens. 

Here's a little note: I used to sort of like him but I don't think I do anymore. Can't he buy me lunch without feelings attached? I don't think he thinks I like him but I can't be sure. In one conversation a very long time ago, I was doing something else and trying to type in Korean to chat him. We were talking about him cooking because he worked for a year or two at a restaurant. I was trying to say how cool that was but I accidentally pressed enter and it just said "you're so cool" . . . hopefully he isn't the type of person who buys a high school lunch because he likes her (more than friends) or thinks she likes him. 

Ooh! And one random side note. I recently bought Eos lipbalm in lemon. I just love it so much! It smells fantastic and I love holding it. It has a very authentic feel to curve your hands and slather it on your lips. We'll see how long I like chapstick for. 

Okay! Thanks for reading my rant. Enjoy the second installment. I have no idea when the third installment will take place. 

Part 2: School Play

“Elle,” Amelia hissed. Elle’s eyes lit up at the ferocity of Amelia’s voice. She wiped her mouth with her shirtsleeve and looked up attentively at their teacher. They were both sitting in the back row and it seemed like their teacher hadn’t taken note of Elle’s dozing off. She was too tired to even fight the urge to sleep. It wasn’t like they ever learned anything anyway.

“What?” Elle blinked her eyes as she adjusted back into reality. It wasn’t her fault that she wasn’t good at math. It wasn’t her fault that she found math boring too. Amelia actually liked calculus but it was a shame neither of them were good at it.

“What is this?” Amelia pulled Elle’s paper from under Elle’s hand. Elle gasped once she realized what was on it. She tried to grab it back but it was too late. Amelia was fascinated by the doodles and drawings with the informational captions. “This is why you aren’t doing well in calculus, Elle.” Amelia sounded like her mother for a second. Elle groaned and tried to pull the paper away without causing a huge ruckus.

“Who is this?” Amelia whispered. She raised her eyebrows and a cheeky little grin resided on her face. Elle wanted to slam her head against the desk but that would’ve caused too much commotion.

“It’s just someone I made up,” Elle tried to say. Amelia did know that she wrote short stories once in a while.

“He seems too real to be made up. Why did you make him so mean? What is his name?” Amelia also knew that Elle liked nice people. It was true that Elle liked the type of boy who spontaneously brought you flowers and wrote letters. She liked the typical guy who opened car doors and used the word “fancied” and draped his jacket over her shoulders.

“Uh bad boys are charming? And I don’t know what his name is yet. I haven’t er decided. Hey did you get the answer to number ten?” It sounded so fake as her voice wobbled under Amelia’s suspicious glare. She hated herself for liking him but didn’t know what to do with her feelings.

“Don’t switch the conversation. We’ll talk later,” Amelia said gruffly and turned her attention back to their teacher. The paper was slid into one of Amelia’s folders and Elle sighed while trying to copy the notes.

***

At lunch, the conversation was indeed continued. Amelia told both Darcy and Liza about the supposed figment of Elle’s imagination. Amelia had never returned her paper. All of three of them analyzed it seriously until they came about the conclusion that he was a real person.

“There’s no way you could have created him. All your fantasies consist of “prince charming” type characters,” Darcy said hesitantly. Elle knew that was too true to even begin to refute. Why couldn’t a “bad boy” be a “prince charming”?

“Didn’t you say you liked Brian? He’s nothing like this,” Liza started to say. Amelia looked like she wanted to murder her. Her eyes were bulging out but it was already too late when Liza understood why. Elle furrowed her eyebrows and stared at Amelia and then at Liza.

“Who else did you tell, Amelia?”

“I swear it was just Liza, and Darcy,” Amelia said sneaking a furtive glance at Darcy.

“And Brian and Olivia,” Darcy added with a smug smile.

“What?” Elle’s jaw dropped. She couldn’t believe Amelia. “Why?” Elle could barely even croak out that one syllable. She pushed her hair back behind her ear and sighed again. She just wanted to crumple up and pretend this never happened.

“Darcy, what are you talking about?” Elle was surprised by the pugnacity in Amelia’s tone. Usually Amelia dropped her act after the cat was out of the bag. This wasn’t like all of Amelia’s other responses in which she would try to laugh it off while awkwardly smiling.

“You didn’t know? When you were telling me, they were standing behind us. Olivia and I have adjacent lockers, you know,” Darcy said matter-of-factly.

“My life is ruined,” Elle said cupping her face in her hands. Her cheeks were bright red and she felt the sweat dripping down. She wanted to go home.

“It’s not that big of a deal,” Darcy tried to say. She fidgeted with her glasses and Elle knew that was something Darcy did when she was lying.

“It’ll be okay,” Liza said patting Elle’s back in a comforting manner. “Now, who is this guy?” Elle sighed and shrugged. Was this the third of fourth time she sighed in one day?

“I really don’t know,” Elle said truthfully. “He was just a spur of a moment type thing. I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you.”

“Hey are you guys going to the school play?” Amelia piped in. She took a poster out from her backpack. Elle shrugged her shoulders. Nicole was in the school play. Actually, Nicole was the main character. It was obvious that her mother would make her go. She attended every single one of Nicole’s concerts, performances, and speech competitions. Nicole had been to one of her skating competitions. It was probably easy being Nicole. Everything was handed down to her and she even expected the silver plate.

“Elle? Are you going to go?”

“Huh, oh yeah, probably. Nicole is one of the main characters.”

“I’m part of the stage crew but we can definitely hang out after,” Amelia said with a smile. It seemed like the little episode of drama had subsided.

***

Elle changed into her favorite skirt with the bold blue stripes. She checked her watch again and wondered if Amelia was going to meet her. Elle hated vague answers and clauses like “if something comes up.” She wandered around next to the auditorium. The stage crew was running around like ants as she peeked in. She bought her ticket and went in. It was too cold to be outside.

“Hey,” someone said tapping her. She whipped her hair around and immediately gasped. Her lungs were squeezing for air and she wondered what was happening to her.

“Hi,” she squeaked out.

“Do you always squeak?” He asked in his normal, derogatory tone. The show was going to start in five minutes and people were already flooding in. It was too late to simply get up and move. She wondered what the best choice was now. Why did he have to find a seat next to her? She sat uncomfortably in her seat trying to shift her weight as far from him as possible. He seemed to have the opposite agenda. His shoes would accidentally tap hers and she would feel a jolt of electricity. She tried to shift closer to the other side but realized that she was already at the edge. He stared at her uncomfortable pose. She was scrunched up trying to be as far from him as possible.

“Are you okay?” She wondered what to say. Could he feel her heart trying to leave the ribcage? Could she die? She wondered what she’d say to the doctor. Heart failure because of impossible love?

“Yeah, don’t all normal people have problems breathing?” He stared at her skeptically. “It’s a joke.”

“I know,” he said rolling his eyes at her. “You just make terrible jokes.” She stared down at her feet. She wondered why she liked him. There was nothing good about him except his face. They stopped talking as the show started.

“That was such a good performance,” she said with a huge smile after the show had ended.

“Eh, I guess you would think so.” She rolled her eyes and tried to look for Amelia. Elle looked back to her right and saw that he was already gone. She spotted him standing by the door.

“Hey! Thanks for waiting,” she said. She was actually a little upset that he hadn’t waited for her.

“It’s not like we were seeing the show together, right?” What was she supposed to say? Elle shrugged her shoulders dumbly and they walked out of the crowded theater together.

“It’s so cold,” she said to no one in particular. His scarf had somehow dropped to the pavement ground. Elle hurriedly bent over and picked it up once he made no particular move to pick it up.

“You wear it. You’ve already touched it haven’t you?” He seemed so aloof that it sort of scared her. Her freezing hands rationalized her independence. She draped the scarf over her neck and beamed positively towards him. He was apathetic to her every smile. She wondered where they were walking to. Was it stupid that she was blindly following him? She tried to throw her logic away. It was maybe nine but pitch black. She could only see the glimmers of the school.

“It’s really dark,” she said. She knew her voice was shaking. She hated being out in the dark.

“Don’t tell me you actually feel scared in a place like this.”

“I’m not scared.” An empty pause peppered their conversation. It didn’t seem awkward to not say anything at all.

“Where are we going?” He finally asked.

“Um,” she said trying to think of a smart answer. Nothing came into mind.

“I thought we were walking to your house.” She looked up at him. Elle was sure he didn’t see her blushing.

“Oh, thanks,” she said with a tiny smile. When was the last time that had happened to her? “Well thanks. Tonight was fun.”

“Sure,” he said in his same expressionless way.

“Can I have a hug?” She wanted to bang her head against the wall. She regretted the question as soon as it flew out of her mouth. Elle could feel him smirking at her. That was all he ever did.

“Sure,” he said and she looked up in total surprise. She saw him half smiling, a real half smile. Elle smiled to herself. There was something different about getting a hug from him, this complete stranger who ridiculed her and made her feel worthless.

“I better go,” she said. She didn’t know why she said it. Maybe it was just to interrupt the silence. Elle left and unlocked the front door. Nicole was somehow home before her and she wore such a terrible scowl on her face.

“You’re so late,” Nicole said. Elle simply shrugged.

“I was out.” Nicole stepped outside. Elle joined her and saw that he had left. There was no trace that he had even ever been in front of her house. But she would never forget. He would live in her memory and that really was enough for her.