Confused

Hello! I'm looking forward to a crazy week, which sadly means less blogging. I'm really sorry! I like blogging too. I know today is Monday but I thought I'd give you an update of my own life. I know it's not as exciting as a Monday Memoir of an installment of my Scarf Boy mini series. I don't want to publish something that's not done yet. The second installment is almost done. I promise it'll be done by this week even if nothing else get's published. . . my life is weirdly hectic right now. It's never ever been this busy before.

Today was an exceptionally fun day! I guess the thing that made it exceptionally fun is that I finally had a long awaited Korean lesson with TG. It's fun to hang out with him beyond "the obvious reason." I haven't hung out with friends in such a long time. I miss a social life. I miss seeing movies not alone at 12 am. I miss eating out with friends on a Friday afternoon and going window shopping. I guess I miss company. As I was complaining about how miserable it is to watch movies by myself at this preposterous hour, he tentatively suggested that we could go watch a movie, as long as it's not a rom-com. He adds at the end that he doesn't really like movies though . . . But if things go as planned (crossing my fingers!), I could be looking forward to Wednesday night at a public speaking showcase with him. I have a really amazing friend who somehow found my blog that gives terrific relationship advice. Her advice mainly consists of "calm down."

He just confuses me. I know he's doing all of this because that's the type of person he is but it really doesn't help with my feelings. He's part of choir and choir is doing something on Thursday and he needed to practice. So I enthusiastically said that I'd watch because lately my mind has not been functioning. Of course it's Valentine's Day, so he picked "the twilight song" by Christina Perri, which is actually called A Thousand Years. After about maybe forty seconds, I just couldn't take the awkwardness. Maybe he didn't feel it but I tend to feel awkward at just about everything. So I asked what song it was and that's how the whole movie conversation got started. It's hard to be logical in this kind of situation. I want to allow myself to just innocently fall for him but I know my own obsessive nature by now. I just don't want to dig myself into a deeper hole because I know that he doesn't like me. I get hurt so easily because I impulsively throw away that knowledge to pretend that something could happen.


I guess another thing is that all these things add up in a logical way to other people besides me. In my past two er crushes? infatuations? my brain would go haywire trying to bend normal things into some proof that my feelings would be returned. It's hard to keep trying convince myself that TG is like this for every single girl; because I don't want to. There is a very thin layer that I'm treading. It could break any time and I'm so afraid of falling into a pit of despair all over again. It's difficult to relinquish control over a situation, even if it's control you never had. I have no idea what to do or what to even expect. All I can do is to try to go with the flow.

On Sunday, I had time! Isn't that amazing? I decided to watch a movie. I watched Letters to Juliet and I actually didn't feel that bad about my life. Perhaps it's because I had somewhat of a functioning social life when I saw it. Maybe I shouldn't watch these types of movies when I'm completely alone and miserable.

Weight loss goal for summertime: 6 pounds. I don't even know what I am doing wrong. I just gain weight and gain weight and gain weight. I promise I won't count calories or be on the verge of anorexic. I'm going to strive for a healthy way of weight loss that can be applied to my life. I'm thinking of cutting down on the snacks... like cheese crackers with 219037201973102 calories... haha. I like food :) but I was talking to my church friend and she also said she has gained about 5 pounds. So stress eating is normal. Yay? hahah...