Saturday, January 25, 2014

The World Moves On. Will You?

Hi everyone! I've been having a rough couple of days but I realized that life moves on, with or without you. You can choose to mope on the floor and throw a self-pity party, or you can stand up and try to remember how to smile. I've chronicled a lot of events within my years blogging (it's almost two yearsss!) from slight crushes to some of the little moments regarding S. I feel like you deserve this moment of my life as well. Maybe you are reading my blog for the very first time, well, S is was my boyfriend. He was my first real boyfriend because everyone knows that middle school doesn't count. We dated for almost 8 months and the end of January marks one year of friendship. S and I are different in every single way, from the way our brains work, to the colors we like, clothing style, temperature of feet, everything, yet somehow we were able to connect and support each other in everything. I spent almost half my day with him, from just doing homework at his house to messaging about the late night struggles. Maybe because we are so different, we fought almost half the time. It could start with a small argument about a Saturday and lead to a full scale fight that put us on the verge of breaking up. We were both very new at the dedication and effort required to have a functioning relationship.

He is one year younger than me and college kind of consumed me -- from applications, to stress, to interviews, my life-- and he didn't want to do long distance, which makes sense. There's a teeny little bit of chance that I would go to UC Berkeley but it's definitely not in my top 5. Long distance is painful and hard and doesn't work most of the time. He wanted to continue our relationship until June, the end of the school year. I hate deadlines, a bit ironic seeing as I love journalism. I don't think I could've been happy knowing that there was a definite, foreseeable end on June 13th. Of course we both knew that one day I would move away but it wasn't so close as it is now.

I was confused and in a very bad spot when we first discussed this. In the beginning of this whole thing, it seemed like fun and something a little more than a summer fling but not so deep as a real relationship. We were in the uncharted territory between best friend and boy/girlfriend for a really long time. When he mentioned long distance, I agreed to it but didn't really know how to feel. You meet so many people in college and that perfect person (I'm a huge romanticist) might just be waiting on campus. A lot of months went by and I suddenly couldn't imagine my life without him. I think the reason we fought so much is because we were both adjusting to this weird neediness. I didn't know what to do when he wasn't available and being alone scared the heck out of me. So whenever I felt a little bit uncomfortable or sad or moody, I took it out on him and he did the same with me. We took each for granted a lot: even if I was mad at him or argued, I had the feeling that he wouldn't leave me. He was the type of person who hated whenever I mentioned the fact that I may not be the right person for him or that there was someone better for him out there. Of course I meant these things in a halfhearted manner-- aimed to hurt and something I didn't really mean.

I cried for maybe 10 hours yesterday and today after everything happened. There was a weird hole in my heart and I didn't know how to fix it all. Several times, I pleaded for us to try, try long distance, try another month, try until summer, just because I hated the unfamiliarity of being without him. I realized today that I have some of the best friends in the world. I'm so lucky to have this support system of friends who are really there for me. Well my mom wanted to go shopping in San Francisco for her wedding anniversary and I decided to tag along. I rarely go with her but I needed something to do today.

I found a whole new section of Nordstrom that I fell in love with. I know this is out of place here but here are my new favorite stores: TopShop, Lush, Nordstrom BP, and BCNU. Shoe shopping always manages to cheer me up. I stopped being moody and sad because life happens and it's all up to you how you react. It was sort of nice not feeling the need to talk to someone, to be able to wander around those cardigans, sweaters, and shirts without the need of being connected. It feels like I'm independent and free to control my own feelings. I don't know, when we were dating, I always had this irking feeling that he shouldn't be having fun if I wasn't. I hated the feeling of being so clingy but I couldn't help it. I was actually making plans to spite him sometimes. I realize how horrible this sounds but it's pretty accurate to how I felt.

He asked if we could be friends. I don't know yet if I'm able to do that. I'm not crying or internally upset at what happened, but I'm still sad. I don't know if I can just continue onward and act like nothing happened. He doesn't really seem upset or even interested in perhaps fixing the rift. But I've planned my life according to what happened. I'm really excited to join an exercise group with my friends (that holiday weight....), be a dedicated member of the Mock Trial team, trying to make it state in speech or debate (debate is more of a long shot), and you know reading once in a while.

So long story short,  you won't be hearing or seeing much of S anymore on my blog. I am done reaching out to him and if he wants to be friends, he'll actually have to make some sort of effort. I was really excited to be spending my first Valentine's Day really with someone significant, but I'll be with my mock trial team, and I'll have fun at senior ball with my wonderful friends. Life is unpredictable, it really is.

I guess here are some tips of how to get over someone or something bad:
1. ice cream and chocolate...
I know you'll feel bad afterwards but you just need some comfort food. Cry it out and feel bad for yourself. Breaking up is an awful, horrible feeling.
DO NOT stay home by yourself crying. Cry with some friends if you really want to cry. Shopping and being in the city air is a great way to distract yourself.
3.  Think about some of the unhappy moments
Once you think about breaking up or are in that ultimate moment, try to think of how everything wasn't perfect and how this might not have been the right person or right time.
4. View this website
It was really nice to read these little things :)

I'm still recovering so . . well those are the only things I've done haha. I hope you have a great day and smile at some people :)

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