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| Shopping for gowns makes me feel like a princess |
Anyways, click on below for a state of the union (just in time for Obama's tomorrow!) and another chapter of the City Girl story I've been working on!
I've missed doing official state of the unions c: so here is the state of the union for January!
In:
Long ball gown shopping
Sparkly dresses with lots of pizazz!
Exercising with friends!!
People who clap in movie theaters
Guy friends who you plan to eat ramen with 4 months from now
Polaroid cardssss
Revival of Doodle Jump
Spring!
TopShop/BP/Lush/that top floor of Nordstrom
Colored pens!
No sugar yo!
SECOND SEMESTER
Out:
Short ball gown shopping
beaded, tulle dresses
Sitting at home like a loner
People who glare at you for talking loudly
boyfriends who seemingly change overnight
Regular cards..
High School/Bakery/Fashion/Restaurant Story
Winter!
Forever 21/Urban Outfitters/Madewell/J.Crew
Black and blue pens
Chocolate
First semester..
Music:
Frozen soundtrack <3
Safe and Sound
Vampire Weekend
Sweater Weather
Bastille
Books:
Gillian Flynn
Olive Kitteridge
Sophie Kinsella
And now time for that story :)
More Than 1 Dark Past
The early seven
o’ clock buzz begins and Ashley and I are cranking out all sorts of drinks.
Life is a lot harder than when black coffee was the only offering. It’s been
another week and I’m slowly getting used to life here. I could never imagine
living here forever but it’s an okay temporary shelter. I still don’t have many
friends but coming to work isn’t all that bad. I stay until eight now since
Hans needs me to make drinks. Ashley is looking better and has stopped wearing
sunglasses to work altogether.
“So Brie,
there’s a new party happening tomorrow night. It’d be really fun if you came,”
Ashley says while brewing the milk. It’s been almost a month since I’ve been
here and this is my first invitation to a social event. Ashley is my only
friend, besides Ray. “Everyone will be there and it’s a blast.”
“Will Hans be
there?” He lets out an amused laugh from the register.
“Of course
not, tiger. Am I crazy? I’ll be here though. I like to hear the chatter of
parties.”
“Okay everyone
except Hans. I bet I could introduce you to some nice guy.”
“Fine, fine,
I’ll go,” I tease. “I better go buy a new dress and everything.”
“The dress
code is fancy,” Ashley says with a dreamy look on her face. The chatter stops
once a few more customers arrive. The afternoon hours are popular with
housewives who want the frothy beverages that could only be found in the city.
I leave work
an hour early. Ashley convinced Hans to let me go dress shopping before all the
shops closed down. There are two clothing stores here and only one sells dressy
pieces. I take brisk steps under the glowing light of streetlamps. It’s rare
for anyone to be walking out at late hours. My ratty purse is at my side as I
finally enter Heavenly Delights. It’s
my first time here and a bored shopkeeper immediately pounces on me.
“Darling, what
are you looking for?” She evaluates me quickly. Her expressions say it all. Not
in a million years was she expecting some country girl to step in to her fancy
dress shop. A country girl, I realize
I’ve categorized myself as. I cringe and feel an insurmountable sadness. This
lady looks like she’s in her mid forties with scary purple eye shadow and short
unnaturally red hair.
“There’s a
fancy party tomorrow night and I haven’t really got anything to wear.”
“Poor
darling,” the lady says stressing each and every syllable. Not having something
nice to wear isn’t the end of the world I want to tell her. I hold back my
tongue because I know I can’t afford to be snippy. “Well I’ll help you find
something.”
“I have a
budget too,” I carefully add. There’s no way I’m blowing all my savings on some
dress for a stupid party. Maybe I would’ve before but not as Brie.
“Sure thing
darling.” I can see the lady clenching her teeth. She gives me a tour and
informs me on how the dresses are organized. Most of them look like cheap city
knock offs but I don’t say a word. I just ooh and aah when she twirls out a non-descript
and rather boring dress. She leaves me for a moment to make a phone call. I
skim through the racks until I see something that catches my eye. It’s a short,
tight, and sparkly dress in a deep blue. The feel of the fabric is expensive
and something I would’ve worn in another lifetime. I have the impulse to buy it
but I take a look at the price tag. It’s almost five hundred dollars. The lady
comes back in and observes that I’ve found something truly breathtaking in her
little shop of horrors.
“Darling,
that’s beautiful.” There isn’t an ounce of patronization in that sentence. I
beam and pull it off the rack.
“It’s much too
expensive,” I say wistfully.
“Oh honey, but
it’s your dress. I’ll give it to you at two hundred.” I grin and hurry to the
dressing room to try it on. The dressing room is nothing but a little area
closed off with a curtain. I shed the hideous jeans and ribbed turtleneck. I
slide the dress on over my head and she comes around to help me with the
zipper.
“Darling,” the
lady says. She’s gaping at me and doesn’t say another word. She tosses me a
pair of shoes. They’re so high and I wonder if I’ll break my ankle trying to
walk. “You look stunning.” She looks at the curves of my body and I feel
embarrassed. I leave the store having spent three hundred dollars.
I feel
excitement as I walk into work the next morning. Ashley is obviously feeling
the same buzz in her stomach. We can barely work without fantasizing what it’ll
be like. Apparently in a small town like this, fancy parties are a rarity. I
don’t ask where Ashley went during the late hours. It doesn’t seem like
something appropriate to ask her.
“Let me do
your makeup,” Ashley says in a giddy voice. Even a week before, I would’ve flat
out rejected her but why not?
“Okay,” I say
and watch as her face lights up. I thought seven would never come. Hans lets us
go an hour early again. I stop by home and pick up the things I bought at Heavenly Delights. We giggle in the
backroom as she takes out her makeup brushes and different powders. An hour
later, we’re ready.
“You look
beautiful,” Hans says and I feel euphoric. Tonight will be unreal.
“Are you sure
you don’t want to come? It’ll be fun.” Ashley pulls me away without saying
anything more to Hans or me.
“He doesn’t
want to come,” she brusquely says and leads me away. I nod without protesting. She
starts the engine of her car and I realize I haven’t ridden a car in over a
month. We drive for a good thirty minutes before she stops at a huge mansion. There
is a rosebud garden at the entrance of almost a mile of paved driveway. The
whole house is made of marble and it radiates under the little lights they
installed. Guests are flocking and I almost want to join them. Ashley parks the
car and we start our long trek up the driveway.
“Whose house
is this?”
“Ray Concha,”
Ashley says without looking up. “Well their family’s house.”
“Who is he
exactly?” Hans isn’t here to stop her from babbling.
“Ray was
extremely popular before he moved away to college. He went to one of those big
name schools because he was so smart. He even went on a scholarship. The stuff
he told you about his mum and uncle are true. Except, the mum didn’t do it out
of need. She was bored of Ray’s dad and decided to jump on his uncle.”
“What about
the plumbing business?”
“Oh, they do a
plumbing business all right. It’s all over the country, all over. Their whole
family does this and they make billions each year.” I feel my heart sink. What
happened to the nice, country boy I met?
“Why did Ray
come back?” Almost everything he told me about himself is a lie. How could I be
so stupid as to tell him about my past?
“That’s the
interesting part that no one knows too well. There are rumors that he got
kicked out of school or got a girl pregnant. He wouldn’t tell anybody and
people started to doubt everything he ever said. He doesn’t interact socially
much anymore. Oh there’s one of my friends. I’ll see you later Brie.” I nod.
Why did I assume that Ashley would include me in her social endeavors? I sit in
my pretty dress on the couch and almost feel like someone else. The Brie I know
wouldn’t have shown up to this thing in a million years.
“Hey pretty
lady, can I get you a drink?” I turn around. It’s some lowlife person hoping
for a one night stand. He almost touches me but he’s had a drink or two, and I
haven’t. I move out of his reach and decline his offer. He shrugs and moves on
to some other girl. I hear his greasy voice followed by the chortles of some
young girl. I wince in disgust.
“Brie, you
showed up.” I look up and it’s Ray. He’s the only person I know in this whole
town. The house is dark and drinks are loitered everywhere. I don’t know what
makes this a fancy party except for the gowns. “You look nice.”
“Not bad
yourself.” He’s actually wearing a suit instead of his collared shirts and
tweed pants. He hasn’t called me once in these past few weeks but he thinks he
can just say hi and everything will be the same. “Why haven’t you called?”
“Obviously it
hurt you the last time I called.”
“Mm, that’s
what it was.” I look around. I see Mindy in the corner. She’s wearing an
outrageously ridiculous dress with feathers and sequins everywhere. “Why did
you lie to me?” I don’t mean to say it but it slips out. His eyebrows crumple
together in concern. His cheeky little smile is gone.
“Lie to you?
When?” His voice is shaking. He sits down next to me.
“Let’s see,
you didn’t tell me your father was a multibillionaire in the plumbing business.
You made it seem like you’re so some poor country boy!”
“Hey, hey,” he
says to calm me down. “Lower your voice.”
“This is your house! You probably never even
worked a day in your life.”
“Hey, that’s
not fair, city girl. I worked my ass off, Brie. Do you think it’s easy going to
Harvard?” I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Harvard. I suck in my breath.
I wasn’t expecting that one. I’ve had too many people tell me that in my
lifetime. This was probably his attitude when he came back to this small town.
“So honestly,
why did you leave?”
“It’s a long
story.” He leans forward and clasps his hands together. “A story I don’t really
want to tell you at this party.”
“There must be
some quiet room.”
“Fine.” He
leads the way up the stairs. We’re just talking, I remind myself. My nerves are
a tingling mess and I hate the warmth I feel. I try to clear my mind but I
can’t. He reaches out to hold my hand but I back away. He opens the door to one
of the rooms in his mansion. It looks like his room.
“I graduated,”
he says. We’re sitting on the carpet floor together.
“In what?”
“Political
science and economics.”
“You’re only
twenty one.”
“I went to
university when I was sixteen, Brie. Graduating at twenty is four years.” I
feel so dumb having bragged about graduating at fourteen. Graduating college,
especially at Harvard, at twenty is far more noteworthy.
“What are you
planning to do?”
“I want to go
to New York and work on Wall Street or something. Maybe be a lawyer. I’m not
sure.” Coming home because of an ambiguous future doesn’t sound like a heinous
crime.
“Why did you
come back here?”
“My pop
honestly did need surgery and I needed a place to go.”
“What
happened?” He takes in a deep breath. This is obviously a story he doesn’t like
sharing either.
“I met a girl
at a party,” he pauses to state the irony. “She was something, something I
couldn’t have. I wanted to marry her and somehow I thought I was good enough. I
was almost as naïve as you were. She said she loved me, she wanted me, she
needed me. She didn’t introduce me to her parents and that was fine. I don’t
like meeting parents. Her dad found out a while later, a rather awkward moment
in my life.”
I can imagine
what happened. He was probably thinking it was his lucky day over at her house.
She probably didn’t even recall why she invited him over. The lights were dim
and candles were everywhere. Ray is the type of person to do that. They’ve had
a couple glasses of wine and he kisses her, the gateway kiss.
“Her dad found
out and told me to stay away from his daughter. He had enough power to ruin me
but I didn’t listen. I wanted her and she was the only thing I wanted.” Thing,
I repeat in my head. He didn’t love her. He never loved her.
“What was her
name?” I don’t know why I ask.
“Violet. She
had a lovely heart shaped face, almost like you,” he pauses and I try not to
think too much. “Anyways, I didn’t leave for my own good and like her father
said, he blacklisted my name. She told me it’d be okay coming back to her place
because her father was away on a business trip. I was an idiot, I guess. Her
father was horrified to see me. I still flinch every time someone turns on the
lights. The worst part was when he asked her if she would give up everything
for me. I could see he was really trying to understand what we had. She shook
her head and betrayed me in less than a second. Violet never thought about it
and that was it. He blacklisted my name and I had nowhere else to go.”
“I’m sorry,” I
simply say. I don’t know what to say.
“Don’t be. I’m
not sorry anymore. I can join up my dad’s plumbing business and it’ll be okay.”
“Were you
always Ray?” It’s a question I probably shouldn’t have asked.
“Were you
always Brie?” Does he know? He has a little impish look on his face. He knows.
“Do you really
want to go to school again?”
“What kind of
question is that? I can’t.”
“Do you really
want to?”
“Of course,”
he looks at me like a confused puppy. “Wouldn’t you jump at any chance to leave
this place?” I shrug. The place has really grown on me.
“Yes. If you
could go anywhere, where would you go?”
“Harvard law,”
he says without skipping a beat. I nod and wonder why I’m even thinking of
doing something as crazy as this. “Don’t tell me your dad or something is the
dean.” Nervous laughter fills the room.
“No, not
that,” I say, stifling a laugh. “Just forget it.”
“Thank you
Einstein. Come here.” Time freezes. I look up at him and he’s completely
sincere. I inch closer to him without any idea of what I’m doing. Was this all
a story to get me to sleep with him? I wish that were the case. Has it really
been that long for me to forget everything? He looks into my eyes and I feel
the butterflies thrashing in my stomach. It’s because I’ve been single for a
while. It’s because I haven’t gotten much attention. He kisses me and I almost
melt. This is not who I am I want to yell. His tongue slides into my mouth and
I don’t protest. It feels nice, to be honest. There’s something special between
us and I’m sure he can feel it too.
“I’m sorry,”
he says pulling away without any warning. I nod. That was probably a good call
but I don’t take it. I grab his shirt collar and pull him closer to me. Our
lips meet and his hands find their way to my waist. I kick the stilettos off
and he effortlessly slides his suit jacket towards the floor. He kisses my neck
until he picks me up. For the third time tonight, I freeze. I try to protest
but realize I can’t. I feel the cold silkiness of the sheets and his body
gently pressing on mine.
“Stop,” I just
say and sit up. Half his buttons are undone but I can’t do this. I’m not her
anymore.
“What’s
wrong?” He looks hurt. It’s all a façade.
“I can’t.”
“I found you
again, Violet.” I stop breathing. “I’m
not going to lose you again.” Did he even think about me before we had this
conversation? This is why I came isn’t it? How long was I going to deny the
reality of the situation? Everything was going to be better and now it’s
ruined. The lights turn on and I sit in agonizing embarrassment. My dress is
still intact and he quickly buttons his shirt again. “I love you, Violet.”
“Love? Love,
Ray?” I look up to see Mindy, and her cronies. I can feel Ray tensing up next
to me. “Who is she to you?”
“Nothing,
nothing, Mindy.” Isn’t he a guy planning to leave this town? I look at him with
all the hurt I can muster.
“Nothing,” I
repeat. Seconds ago, he told me that he didn’t want to lose me again. Ray has
the audacity to hold my hand. I wave it away from him. “Get away from me,” I
whisper. It’s as if he pierced a spike through my heart. “Is she your
girlfriend?”
“Fiancée,”
Mindy screeches showing me the diamond ring on her finger. How could I be so
stupid? How could I be so idiotic? How could I just give into my impulses like
that?
“Lies, that’s
what you are,” I say before strapping my shoes on again and leaving.
“Brie, wait,”
he reaches out but I don’t turn around.
“It’s okay
baby, I forgive you. I know she’s a bad girl,” I hear Mindy in the background. He
doesn’t come after me and I didn’t expect him to. This isn’t some kind of
fairytale movie where everything goes according to a prepared script. I try not
to cry. Why does this always happen to me? No one pays attention to me as I run
down the stairs. I see Ashley in the corner of my eye. She looks like she’s
having a good time. I start running once I reach the front door. The shoes come
off again as I run barefoot on the empty highway. I run and run until my legs
are tired and my lungs are screaming for air. The lights in the café are still
on. I see Hans reading a book and I pound my fist against the door. He did say
he was going to be here after all.
“Brie,” he
says with concern. “What happened? Why are you running? Are you okay?”
“Ray,” I croak
out. He nods his head. He seems to understand with just that one word.
“Ray does that
to all the new girls. He told you his little story about Violet didn’t he? He
told you about Harvard, Harvard my ass. He went to the same state school I went
to. He got kicked out for some drug related issue a year after entry and had
the gall to come back here. Ray’s been engaged to Mindy for a year or two now.”
I ignore the apparent lies. Maybe I haven’t changed that much after all.
“How could I
be so stupid? He told me he loves me.” I shake my head. I’m not that girl
anymore. How could I forget that?
“Ray is quite
the charmer, isn’t he?” I nod and to my dismay, the tears start to roll down. They’re
fat tears rolling down my hot cheeks. “Don’t worry Brie, he does that to all
the girls.” Hans embraces me with a tight hug. It’s the first time he’s shown
any interest in me. I smile up at him. Before I can think, he’s kissing me. I
try to push him away but I can’t. He’s just too heavy and I’m too small. His
rough hands start pushing my dress down and I want to scream. One of his hands
clamps my mouth shut. The tears won’t stop.
“Please,
please stop,” I cry out. “Hans, I’m not ready.”
“Oh stop with
the bullshit Brie! I know you’re not a virgin.”
“How . . .how
would you know that?”
“Don’t act
dumb with me. You’re here because you want this. Virgins are shy and cower in
fear. You’re not like that.” He slaps my face and pushes my head down. I can
barely breathe. He pushes his weight against me and I try to say something but
I can’t. I’m still crying but he doesn’t seem to care. Why did I come back? His
shirt has been discarded somewhere and his hands squeeze my breasts. I squeak
because everything hurts. He tongue latches on to my neck and I try again to
push him away. I realize I’m not wearing anything except underwear. There’s
nothing I can do. There’s no one walking
by to help me. The phone is too far away. I’m stuck in a horrible place.
“You like this
too, Brie,” he says in a matter of fact tone. I can’t speak but he releases his
hold for some bizarre reason I can’t fathom in my brain.
“Hans, stop,”
I cry out for the last time. “I didn’t come back for this.” Someone is banging
at the door. I look up to see Ray. What is Ray doing here? Hans pushes me aside
and I hit my head on the counter. He doesn’t do anything to help me. I hear
shouting and there’s another slap to my face.
“What the hell
are you doing to her?” Those are the last words that I hear. Everything goes
black.
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