Monday, December 15, 2014

Sine Curves

Life is kind of like a sin curve. Look at those mesmerizing ups and downs, ups and downs. Whatever comes up must go down and basically I'm at the lowest point anyone can go (hopefully). I feel like there's nothing to look forward to or celebrate in my daily existence. I keep myself barely grounded with thoughts of home but even that weeklong stretch seems too much to overcome.

I don't know what propels me to share the contents of my personal life to random people on the interweb, but here I am. Because ultimately this blog functions as a diary for me and a place for me to come back to reanalyze events after much time has passed. If you don't want the feels, just move along and wait another week for some kind of better post.
This past Tuesday, I abruptly awoke to my dad calling me. It was around 9:40 and I probably should've been awake. I had a long night making zines (mini magazines! so cool) for my secret snowflake. He told me that my grandfather had passed away. It didn't make sense to me at all. I saw him this summer, four months ago. He was recovering, slowly but recovering. He looked much better than the previous summer and the doctor had predicted he would live for a few more years. Maybe if I was lucky he would see me graduate college, he would meet my first serious boyfriend, he would see my first career. I was not lucky. My grandmother and I occasionally talk and we had talked two weeks before this. She was saying that both and my grandfather were healthy and doing okay even if the weather was getting colder. On my last day of Korea, he wanted to come with me to the airport. It's a taxing journey and of course my grandmother didn't let my aching, ill grandfather tag along. I kept saying next year, next year I'll see you and embody a strong independent woman at college, next year. It was just something I said because at that moment, time seemed trivial. Of course there would be next year. There was always a next year. 

My dad told me that he was at the airport and the flight was leaving in an hour. We hung up because he assumed that I would be going to class. Understandably, I skipped a whole day of class and half a day of class the day later. 

It doesn't feel real yet, his absence. It feels like a bad dream I haven't woke up from yet. It hasn't settled in that when I go to see my family this summer, there will be emptiness just hanging in the air. 

They always joked that Korean kids are so busy, that even when someone in the family passes away, they can't even attend the funeral. I feel like that kid. I feel like kid who is far away from everything that actually matters.

It's finals week starting tomorrow which is just the worst thing ever. I have 0 motivation for anything in life, which is why I write this from the third floor lounge in my library. I am way too excited to go home. Only 3 days left now. 3!!!

Also my life feels like a rom com . . . which is only great if I was the person eating popcorn while watching this play out on a TV. So so so so so, I guess some progress has been made with that Amherst guy. We hung out at Chipotle (lol most romantic place ever? jks, Chipotle is blatantly the least romantic place possible). It was nice catching up! Although we don't click immediately (there's no way I could just be obnoxious and ridiculous), we can talk for a while about our lives haha. We're becoming actual friends! We can't ever talk online though so I'm stuck here trying to plan out all these hang out seshes. After our Chipotle/and Starbucks outing (omg Christmas drinks are back!!), he said that I should contact him (which is frustrating but whatever.. like why can't he put any effort in?). He also did invite me to his a cappella thing.

I went to this a cappella thing because I'm crazy. I dragged one of my friends there (she is the best!) and it was an unexpectedly small event. . . he has a really good voice and the show was good but everything went downhill after that. The next bus was coming to Amherst forty minutes after the show ended. I was casually talking to him in my classic awkward fashion (I'm supes awkward and it takes a bit of time for me to get out that shell). My friend went to "go use the bathroom" (are we in middle school or are we in middle school?) and just as we're talking about our mutual frustration for Chinese class, EUNICE (I know I have a no name policy but c'mon, this one is an exception) whips her head around. She has been standing there the ENTIRE time but decides only to talk to him once I'm talking to him alone. She doesn't acknowledge my presence at all and she also doesn't speak in English. She does that whole whiny-I'm-a-Korean-girl-who-needs-to-whine-about-everything voice. She asks where the cafe is and he tries to tell her directions but it's obvious that it's not that easy to find. So he offers to walk her and friends there. I just awkwardly left.

So now whenever I watch a chick flick and see a bitchy, mean antagonist, that is Eunice. Of course I'm the cute perfect main character (I'm sorry, please let me be vain).

yep, this is my life. 

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