Lovely Wonderings

Hello everyone!! I know I skipped a whole entire week. I'm sorry. I was extraordinarily busy. I am barely functioning but it's been a very exciting week. School is now officially in full progress with tests, quizzes, and essays everywhere. I am happy to be back at my computer. I am sleep deprived and I've given up on ridding my face of dark circles. However, I am in my natural habitat and there is nowhere else I'd like to be. If aliens took over and observed all humans like we observe zoo animals, they'd be so bored with me. I'd like to share a little bit about my week in musing style.

This week I realized how important spontaneity is. I spent a lot of time with TG this week. We had a Korean lesson on Monday and then we watched the public speaking showcase together on Wednesday. He walked me home because somehow I was telling him that I was really scared of being out by myself at night. I didn't know we were walking to my house until he verbally told me. I impulsively asked for a hug kind of as a thank you for walking me home? Hehe, hugs can be nice I guess. I'm not the biggest fan of hugs. I just think it's slightly funny that all this happened without my meddling. I suppose that's the best part about whatever I have with TG: it's so spontaneous. I don't spend weeks mulling over "the perfect plan." Everything just happens. I know that was one of my cliche pieces of advice so long ago but it's true. Everything means a little bit more knowing I didn't make it happen. I remember at a seventh grade dance, the guy I was with gave me a hug before leaving. My friend looked so excited and after she was saying "I didn't even ask him to do that." I was happy but a little apprehensive. Did he hang out with me because she asked him to? Had he even wanted to spend time with me? He's dating one of my friends now (2nd year anniversary!) and they have the cutest relationship ever.

Another friend was telling me about her sister. Her older sister had a long relationship with a guy and everyone believed that they'd be together forever. She even waited for him to come back from the military. After he came back, he said he didn't want to be together anymore and it broke her heart. She recently started dating a new guy. She's known the new guy since high school so I guess he's not really new. It's also funny that nothing ever happened between them until now. I bet she never thought he'd come back into her life. It sort of reassured my hopeless romantic belief of meeting the right person. Yeah, there might not be a perfect person for you but I believe that God does have a plan for each and every one of us. I think there is a little sign that you feel when you're with the right person. I'm just hoping I meet mine.

In freshman and sophomore year, something as trivial as wave would keep me so ecstatic the whole entire day. It's really pathetic of me. I was looking for so much proof that someone liked me. I love the fact that I am friends with TG and how I have fun when I hang out with him. I'm not constantly worrying about how I look or if I'm saying stupid things. It's definitely a nice change that was much needed. Letting go is important. Acknowledging that you can't make everything happen is the first step. I can't make him like me. That's ethically wrong if you think about it. 

I was talking to some girl that I don't particularly like. She was saying how she broke up with her boyfriend but they still do the same things except you know "kiss and hold hands." If that's really what a relationship is then I don't have a burning desire to have one. She dated that guy for maybe three months? I don't know, I don't keep tabs. I want a relationship to be cute and fun, but not purposely cute. I hate the couples that do certain things so that they can be perceived as adorable. There's a difference between "they are cute" and "they act cute." I guess what I do really want is to fall hopelessly in love with someone who loves me to that extent too. So after talking to her, I realized that I'm completely content without a high school relationship with TG. I honestly don't think anything would change if we were to date except it'd be a whole lot more awkward. 

This week I also learned that not only am I not good at music, I don't like it that much? How do I explain? I do like listening to music via youtube and iTunes etc. I also like to watch talented people sing and I like that feeling you get when shivers crawl down your back because of someone's voice. I don't think I'll ever be the kind of girl who appreciates being serenaded. It's cute and other people love it but it's just not me. I'd rather have a guy bring me food to be completely honest! That impresses me just that much more.

Lastly, I am super conflicted about the whole 'prom' thing. Right now, it's about 70% not going to ask him. I think it would be fun to just hang out; but do I really want to make him pay $100 and dress up just to hang out with me? I wish we could have another lunch outing. On that note, here's something less happy? I wish he would ask me to things. For Korean lessons, I always ask if we're having a "class" even though he's the one learning and wanting this service. On that lunch hang out so long ago, I actively made that happen too. But I guess it is too much to expect him to ask me to these sorts of things when he's not interested in me romantically (I doubt a lot of guys ask their girl friends to hang out randomly unless they're really, really close). 

In freshman and somewhat sophomore year, I had a totally different perspective on him and his personality. The first impression is definitely not right all the time. It's another reminder that I shouldn't judge people. I hate it when you try not to judge people and don't want to judge people but you hear such terrible things from them or about them. Like at debate tournament, I was eating "dinner" with our carpool group. There was a really nice girl there but we aren't really friends. I had a positive opinion about her until she started talking about her romantic life. It's hard to stay unbiased when you hear things that aren't that great from them. 

Well... hope that's at least something to think about! I'll definitely try to post an installment of Scarf Boy on Monday. I know I was supposed to do that this week..