Emotional Rollercoasters

Wow. I'm just a mess of emotions right now. I'll explain continuously. I have a little weekend update. I had an amazing experience at the Journalism convention. I was in a session with the social media representative from Miss Representation and it was cool to see a guy feminist! I'm not a die hard feminist but I do believe that women shouldn't be treated like second class citizens. Women are capable of doing anything a man can do. (Read below if feminism angers you. I can't see why) Everyone should seriously watch that documentary! I thought I wrote a post about it but apparently not. I just think that more women should be represented in Congress and as CEOs. More women have college degrees and it's proven that women do better in school. YET we can see that women can't get a foothold in computer programming, engineering, or positions of power. It angers me that women who are determined and strong come off as manipulative and "bitchy", for lack of better word. When men do the same thing, they are seen as good leaders. I hate that men think women are just so vulnerable and frail.

Women also care for children and at some point in life, most women lose motivation to strive for higher ranks because they want to be at home with their kids. There's nothing wrong with that but it is preventing women from reaching parity. Women are also less confident in their abilities so they apply for more safety positions. I don't know if there's a way around that.

There's 1 girl in AP Computer Science at my school. There's four boys in my journalism class. There are four girls in AP Physics. Although I don't like physics or math, I do think that these classes should be encouraged for girls starting at an early age. Boys should learn how to be more sensitive growing up. Being a man basically means being violent, strong, and competitive. Somehow objectifying women also got tangled into that equation. I watched Kick-Ass this weekend (by myself) and it was an awesome film. I hate violence and cursing so that part was a bit hard to get through. There's very limited sexuality which is rare in movies this century. (It is rated R warning) One of my most favorite things is the message tucked in. This movie brings awareness to serious problems, like staying a bystander when trouble is happening. Being a superhero doesn't mean having some special power but rather taking action for what you believe in. The costumes are just an added bonus. My other favorite part about that movie is the kick-ass girl character, Hit Girl, played by Chloe Grace Moretz. She plays an eleven-thirteen (not sure) year old girl who is a seriously good fighter. She did most of her own stunts and trained with Jackie Chan! Search her up if you don't know her! Hit Girl is bossy, curses, and is always in control. I don't know that many movies with such a strong female lead. Kick Ass 2 is coming out this summer!! So excited!

2013 Journalism Convention ❤

Hello everyone! Instead of going to school today I went to the 2013 National High School Journalism convention. DAY ONE. Ohmy. I love the city and the undeniably urban atmosphere that San Francisco has. It was really interesting learning about journalism and what professional journalists are doing. Out of all 6 sessions today, the one take home message was that writing is about the people. That's all that journalism is: delivering the news and making it relevant. I didn't take many pictures because I dislike photos... both being in them and taking them. I'm returning tomorrow for DAY TWO so maybe I'll remember to take more photos.
Conventions are really fun and I've met some awesome people that I wouldn't have been able to meet otherwise. :D SO EXCITED FOR DAY TWO.

A Dark Place

Hello! I'm sorry I've been absent for such a long period of time. My life has been like jumping over hurdles, constantly. There hasn't been all that much time to just sit and write. Mostly because I've been feeling terrible about the things I write. I decided at last minute to submit something for this writing contest my local library was holding. I had the inspiration but lacked the will power to write something new and original. So I took one of my old stories and decided to revise it. I chose Girl in the Photograph just because Lillian is one of my most favorite characters ever. She is a darker version of me but someone I respect a lot. It takes effort and guts to simply be. She doesn't care about what other people think or what other people do. She exists because she wants to. I want to exist for some purpose that I feel so strongly about. While revising it, I started to hate the story altogether. I never do well with criticism even though it's a necessary part to growth. After editing I just felt awful about it and about all my life's ambitions. I've always wanted to be some sort of writer but this was the first instance of being shaken, a mid life crisis if you will. I made a sort of identity for myself but it sucks realizing that you aren't much good at the thing you're supposed to be best at. I know that I'm good at making people happy. I sacrifice my own happiness to make other people smile. That's just who I am. But what kind of major is that? What kind of job does that lead to? Nothing. I've just been in a dark place and it doesn't help that all these other stressful factors kick in during the month of April/May.

I've been talking to S a lot more. He's just my go to friend for everything. We are siblings even if some of my friends think he's in love with me. I highly, highly doubt that. He's made me cry a couple times just because he brings out my insecurities when my guard isn't raised. I just realized how unhappy I am with my weight once again and how I'm really not that great at anything. It's hard facing the truth just so head on.

He doesn't understand what it's like to feel pretty. It's not good that my self esteem comes from seeing a number on a scale but how can I help it? It's from years and years and years of judgement from other people. I really do wish I was fantastic at one certain thing. I'm okay at a lot of things but there's always someone who's that much better at that thing.

Well anyways. I've started a summer diet but it's not going so well. I made a list of foods I can't eat but my will has been severely compromised by stress. I've had some terrible stress attacks lately. There are moments when I can't breathe.

I think I'm going to go to sleep now. I just wanted to check in after a long absence. I hope you guys are in a better place.