A Dark Place

Hello! I'm sorry I've been absent for such a long period of time. My life has been like jumping over hurdles, constantly. There hasn't been all that much time to just sit and write. Mostly because I've been feeling terrible about the things I write. I decided at last minute to submit something for this writing contest my local library was holding. I had the inspiration but lacked the will power to write something new and original. So I took one of my old stories and decided to revise it. I chose Girl in the Photograph just because Lillian is one of my most favorite characters ever. She is a darker version of me but someone I respect a lot. It takes effort and guts to simply be. She doesn't care about what other people think or what other people do. She exists because she wants to. I want to exist for some purpose that I feel so strongly about. While revising it, I started to hate the story altogether. I never do well with criticism even though it's a necessary part to growth. After editing I just felt awful about it and about all my life's ambitions. I've always wanted to be some sort of writer but this was the first instance of being shaken, a mid life crisis if you will. I made a sort of identity for myself but it sucks realizing that you aren't much good at the thing you're supposed to be best at. I know that I'm good at making people happy. I sacrifice my own happiness to make other people smile. That's just who I am. But what kind of major is that? What kind of job does that lead to? Nothing. I've just been in a dark place and it doesn't help that all these other stressful factors kick in during the month of April/May.

I've been talking to S a lot more. He's just my go to friend for everything. We are siblings even if some of my friends think he's in love with me. I highly, highly doubt that. He's made me cry a couple times just because he brings out my insecurities when my guard isn't raised. I just realized how unhappy I am with my weight once again and how I'm really not that great at anything. It's hard facing the truth just so head on.

He doesn't understand what it's like to feel pretty. It's not good that my self esteem comes from seeing a number on a scale but how can I help it? It's from years and years and years of judgement from other people. I really do wish I was fantastic at one certain thing. I'm okay at a lot of things but there's always someone who's that much better at that thing.

Well anyways. I've started a summer diet but it's not going so well. I made a list of foods I can't eat but my will has been severely compromised by stress. I've had some terrible stress attacks lately. There are moments when I can't breathe.

I think I'm going to go to sleep now. I just wanted to check in after a long absence. I hope you guys are in a better place.