Watch Me Be A Playwright

Hello! I'm sorry for the long absence. I was having yet another slight breakdown last night. I find it really rude and annoying when people don't text you back and never tell you why they didn't. I also find it annoying when you post on their Facebook wall with something they specifically asked you to tell them about and then they don't acknowledge that it's there (but post on other things). It was really awkward that I asked a question and he didn't respond. So as usual, I went on Facebook and then he was online and it was a momentary pause of awkwardness before logging off. Don't be that person who takes forever to text back, unless you are actually busy.

I take a class where I help write the school paper. We were writing blurbs about ourselves for the online staff section. I sound like a cat lady. I watch chick flicks by myself, I blog, and I love cats, other people's cats.

But anyways! I tried my hand at writing a play. I'll give you some background. In Spanish class last year, my teacher was gone for three or so days. We had a really, really chill sub. He let us do whatever and my friends and I called the Frito Lay customer service number on the back of a bag of chips. My friend tried calling in Spanish but the lady was fluent so she hurriedly hung up. I called in Korean and that memory triggered this whole play. It's about a person named Penelope who learns how to talk to people, basically. So read and enjoy! Tell me what you think :) xx

Humans Are Not Shopping Carts 

Scene 1
Penelope: I’ve never been so nervous in my life before. Even though this has been my longest job ever, I have this gut feeling that my boss wants to give me a promotion today. He even took the time to tell his assistant to write me a cute little note on a pink piece of paper. Ah, can he be any more romantic?
Hank: Come on in Penelope (cantaloupe)! Didn’t get the memo? 
Penelope: You know my name? So uh, Hank, what exactly did the memo mean? It was pretty vague. 
Hank: What exactly didn’t you understand?  The memo only had two words: you’re and fired and that means you’re fired, Penelope. 
Penelope: WHAT? I don’t understand! I was doing a really good job of stapling and hole punching papers. Granted, the pressure of hole punching got to me but I’m a changed person now, Hank. I just need another chance.
Hank: Sorry, Penelope, I would love to help but no can do. 
Penelope: My name is Penelope. 
Hank: Did you say something, Penelope?
Penelope: Never mind. 

 Life is full of unexpected surprises, some good and some bad. Often we believe that “destiny” is leading us in one direction, just to find out that we have been traveling along a completely different path. We have to make our own decisions irrelevant to fate and destiny. Join Penelope as she finds her own happiness in Humans are not Shopping Carts. 

Scene 2
April: Do you want waffles or pancakes? 
Penelope: Neither, April, where is my kale? I need my kale! 
April: One question, are you a rabbit? Wait, not even rabbits eat kale. What’s the matter?
Penelope: I just don’t want to associate with your crimes against wheat. Have you ever thought about what you were doing to those innocent grains? That wheat will get its revenge and when it does, April, when it does, I don’t want to be there. 
April: Penelope, seriously, you are freaking me out again.
Penelope: My boss, Hank, fired me, okay? Destiny wanted us to get married. 
April: Apparently not. You had that job for a week. Hey stop reading that book, The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide on How Not To Be Left Behind. How are you like a shopping cart? Why won’t you face reality like the rest of us?
Penelope: We’ve been roommates for a month. You should know. When those shopping carts faced the reality of the parking lot, they ended up stray. 
April: Oh, hush. Look what came in the mail, it’s perfect for you. Frito Lays is looking for someone in the customer service department.  
Penelope: I hate talking to people.
April: C’mon, even shopping carts interact with people. 
Penelope: Fine, but shopping carts never had to talk to people. I can mindlessly carry objects too; in fact that’s what I did before getting fired.
April: Maybe it’s time you became something more than a shopping cart.

Scene 3

Penelope goes to the Frito Lays office to try out for work.  

Penelope: Hi, I’m Penelope. I’m here for the job in uh customer service? 
Dale: Oh! I’m Dale. That job is all yours. That phone has been going crazy, man! This is your new home for seven hours. 
Penelope: Shouldn’t I be interviewed before talking to customers?
Dale: Nah, you should be fine but I really have to go. 

Penelope enters room. Scene opens with a loud briiiiiiing sound

Penelope: Hello? This is Penelope from Frito Lay speaking. How may I help you today?
Ned: Hi, uh I’m Ned. I just really like this girl. She’s like a goddess. 
Penelope: Are you sure you’re calling the right place? And why don’t you just talk to her? 
Ned: Isn’t this the place for self help? I can’t talk to her, but so what, we know a lot about each other. She comes to football practice every day and I know she has brown hair, blue eyes, pale skin, and she likes to dress in short shorts. I like short shorts. 
Penelope: What? Are you the waterboy? C’mon you can’t expect some girl you haven’t talked to, to like you immediately, even if you are “part of the team.” 
Ned: My coach says I’m the star benchwarmer. Chicks are supposed to dig me. She never even waves from the bleachers as I sometimes lift heavy stuff. 
Penelope: Maybe you just aren’t sensitive, Ned. 
Ned: I’ve watched The Notebook many times and every time I have cried. Is that not the definition of sensitive?
Penelope: NO! Ned, you have to show her that you care about her feelings, or maybe that you have feelings. Take the initiative! Sometimes when life has a tree make lemons, you have to pick them to make lemonade. That lemonade won’t make itself, Ned.
Ned: Uh, isn’t it, if life gives you lemons, make lemonade?
Penelope: Whatever! Stop waiting like a stupid shopping cart! I can’t believe I just said that. 
Ned: What?

Briiiiiiing!

Penelope: Hello, Penelope from Frito Lays speaking. How may I help you?
Hannah: 안녕, 난 하나.  내 꿈은 유명 가수 그럼 난 여행할수있잔아. 내 남친 은 작고 할수없다고해. 내가 자기 고향이를 죽였대. 바보. 
Penelope: I’m really sorry about that. I don’t know why you can’t become a famous singer or why your boyfriend thinks you killed his cat. I don’t know why I got fired from my job yesterday or why Hank, my old boss, doesn’t believe in fate. Or why--
Hannah: 난 관심 업다고! 너 problem 은 너 problem. 나 영어 잘하지?
Penelope: What? Uh sure, your English is wonderful. Maybe you can perform a song for me. 
Hannah: 그래 좋아. (count & begin singing Gangnam Style until chorus) 
Penelope: Okay, I think I get it! 
Hannah: Ehhhhh, sexy lady! ㅇ ㅇ ㅇ ㅇ 오빤 강남스타일. 
Penelope: Okay, okay! Since you wanted to become a singer to travel, you should think about a job as a tour guide in Korea? You definitely have the energy. 
Hannah: 모? 생전, 그런 생각 하지 못했어. 난 모든지 잘하자나. 
Penelope: Exactly! We can accomplish anything that we put our mind to. I was reading this book  and it was telling me not to realize my true potential by waiting around, like a shopping cart. I didn’t understand why we shouldn’t, until  . . . now. 

Scene 5
Dale: Hi Penelope. 
Penelope: Oh hi Dale. I’m Penelope. I’ve just been working here for the past 7 hours. 
Dale: I know, Penelope. Sorry I was in such a rush before. I help misunderstood dogs find a purpose in life. 
Penelope: You volunteer at the Center for Misunderstood Dogs? I volunteer there! I didn’t know! 
Dale: You didn’t?  Wait, you volunteer there? Oh, that’s cool. 
Penelope: Uh yeah, I missed last week. 
Dale: Yeah, I know. Huh I mean, do you want to grab a cup of coffee next week? 
Penelope: I’d love to.

Penelope goes home 

April: How was work? Where would you be without me?
Penelope: April, I’ve found my calling. Without you, I would have lived my whole life waiting on the rack like a shopping cart until somebody came along and decided to pull me off simply because of chance. I am a very real person who lives for my own happiness. I will not be wheeled around, happy that I’m a clone of fifty-billion other people. Hey, what’s this?
April: What’s what? That ruined your speech, Penelope. 
Penelope: No, look at this. The Unsharpened #2 Pencils of Western North America: Don’t Be Thrown Away. It’s a New York Times Bestseller! Ah! Doesn’t that excite you?
April (eye roll): Here we go again.